For a little while now, I haven't felt like myself. I've felt somewhat lost, and it hurts. My heart feels like it is being wrenched in two completely opposite directions, and I feel like I'm slowly dying.
It seems silly, but my problem is that I'm comfortable. Now, I'm not talking about the sweatpants and comfy cardigan that I'm wearing right now. I'm talking about the areas in my life that I'm slowly becoming complacent in because of my sense of comfort. Mostly, I'm talking about how I'm too comfortable in where I live, the people I live with, the relationships that I form or don't form, and the habits that have started to creep slowly back into my life.
Almost without realizing it, I have slipped into this place of comfort, and most everything I do revolves around staying in that place. It's easier for me to retreat back into my room or hide behind a book or a computer screen than to go outside of myself and build relationships because relationships take work. It's easier to not say anything to one of the missionaries who isn't doing what he or she is supposed to because I don't want to seem like the 'bad guy.' It's easy to go through the motions and just try to get by on a weekend retreat than to go completely out of my way to love someone. The scariest thing of all is that it's become so easy to rationalize sin.
All these things are hard because comfort feels good, and I'm afraid to change. "Why should I put myself out there just so that people can hurt me? I've been hurt way too many times in my life already." "Well, it's not that bad..." "Surely someone else can do it."
That's just not what I was made for. As Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI said, “The world promises you comfort, but you were not made for comfort. You were made for greatness.” The reason my heart is feeling like it's being torn apart is that I have been trying to live for Christ and for the comfort of worldly things at the same time. I have been giving my heart away to two fundamentally different things, and I just can't take it anymore. My heart must either be fully committed to the world or fully committed to Christ. There is no in between.
I know what my choice will be. The time has come to go on the offense and fight for who I was made to be: a man of courage, a man of humility, and a man who seeks fully after the heart of his God.